On wanting what the heart wants.

A friend of mine just recently made a leap – she left her $100K+ career because it occurred to her on her morning run that, as she said, “the human heart is worth more than that.” I said to her with deep envy that it had just occurred to me that it seems her heart and mine had been holding hands all this time, and I just hadn’t realized it – but that hers had just made this wild and glorious jump off a cliff, while mine is still standing over the precipice peeing its pants.

I’m not saying you or I or anybody needs to quit their job in order to follow their heart – but can you imagine that freedom? I mean, I actually can’t, really. I’m too busy sweating at the thought of all the worries that would crawl into my brain like cockroaches – how would we pay our mortgage? How would we keep food on our shelves and shoes on our feet? When we had Margot we decided to adjust our work schedules in order to forego daycare services, so as it stands I cut my income in half and that makes me antsy enough on any given day. So going cold turkey in order to spread those heart-wings? And MY heart-wings, no less, which I think could rival those of Falcor from the Neverending Story...? Oh no wait… Falcor didn’t have wings. (But if he did.)

I know how easy it is to slip into the almighty role of Mother and accidentally inadvertently lose the equally important concept of Self. I only have one child – so it’s a mystery to me how women with multiple children find the time to follow even little pursuits of happiness – because I know full well how hard it is to even find the freedom to pee with the door closed, let alone unload the dishwasher or do some other such task that I feel obligated to do in order that the household doesn’t inevitably fall apart.

I’m getting off track; and Margot is crying over the baby monitor, which I’m feeling inclined to chuck out the window (the monitor – not the baby). She so graciously allowed me just enough time to eat two massive bowls of Alpha Bits that I bought on a whim today, then she decided her nap was over. Thanks, babe.

Anyway. So I’m trying to imagine what indulging my heart’s desires would look like. Or even what they’d feel like. Have you ever mustered up the guts to shift your life in a totally different direction? I’ve only ever daydreamed about doing it, then accidentally let a slew of discouraging thoughts slip into my head – about how I don’t particularly have anything to offer, about how there’s no discernible reason as to why my writing would affect anybody more so than somebody else’s, or about how I likely just don’t have what it takes to be successful. But WHY do I have the audacity to think those things?! Step one is garnering the confidence to put one foot in front of the other, in the name of reaching toward exactly what it is that the heart wants.